Not to sound conceited or anything but I know for a fact (and my friends can attest to it) that I am generally a nice person.... but certainly a bitch if provoked. And yesterday I just... kind of snapped. At that moment it felt like everything is too much.

I tried to put myself on this person's shoes. I tried to give this person the benefit of the doubt. In my mind I was singing (though on a different connotation than the song) "Holding my breath until I know you're alright because the water will only rise. When will you realize you must become an island? And see for yourself that that's what I am." Okay, maybe not an island (nor I will ever be) but I always work on improving myself and not fully depend on others. 

Inasmuch as I wanted to help this person, one can only give so many assistance to someone who seemed like they are not interested in helping themselves. Even the nicest person will snap. Being the only one who is willing to adjust on the circumstances can also be sickening.  We cannot be spoon-fed all the time, can we? We are not students anymore. But we should never stop being learners in the bigger school called life. We are professionals and we should act... rather we should be one. At the same time, we need to learn that the world does not revolve around us and we need to be able to adapt (slowly as it may seem) and not expect everything to be handed out so easily. So when are we going to find the courage to go all out and work harder to achieve our goals? The world will not wait for us so we had to do something about it. Read and read. Ask sensible questions. Explore. Speak our minds out.

Does it feel good? At first, maybe. But my heart feels heavy as it went on. I actually felt bad for letting myself lose the chill that I have been working on maintaining for most of my young adult life. I wish I have been more patient and understanding. I wish I have considered all the other factors. But I knew for a fact that if I will not call this person out, no one will. And so I had to do it.

One can only tolerate ignorance and stupity at an extent and anything beyond the invisible boundary line is classified as unnecessary stress that one should get rid of given the chance. I am not saying that you should snap at any person who'd piss you off unintentionally but at some point you had to release it. Luckily for me, I have my family and friends who see behind the strong mask and know when to take charge. They may not always be aware of it (I may not be very vocal about it all the time) but every little deed (the listening heart and the spoken words) is of great help. I am grateful to God for using their lives to anchor me back and put some perspective in this already clouded mind. So they let me talk (rant) about it and then we went to shop and hang a bit. It definitely made me feel better. It may not change the fact that it was the worst that it has been in the almost two months of work but I was reminded to be more patient and understanding. And to focus on the goals instead.

The girl is back, battle-ready, with extra motivation and prayers of peace and clarity in her pockets.

x

After such an eventful week at work, sometimes you just got to put your player on shuffle and lose yourself to some feel good music and unwind since I am not really much of the partying/bar-hopping on a weekend kind of person and this is my kind of party (and I do not have much things to do in our flat, anyway).

I was listening to ZAYN's Like I Would remixes earlier when I came upon this song by Justin Timberlake. It is such a bop (and apparently, worthy to be shared). Justin sure is back with his catchy pop tunes and groovy, infectious dance moves. Maybe it is not my favourite JT song at the moment but it did not fail to put a smile up to this fluffy face, especially seeing the music video.

Happy Friday, everyone! Here's a bit of your daily dose of sunshine.

*****

I got this feeling, inside my bones

It goes electric, wavey when I turn it on

All through my city, all through my home

We're flying up, no ceiling, when we in our zone

I got that sunshine in my pocket

Got that good soul in my feet

I feel that hot blood in my body when it drops, ooh

I can't take my eyes up off it, moving so phenomenally

Room on lock the way we rock it, so don't stop

And under the lights when everything goes

Nowhere to hide when I'm getting you close

When we move, well, you already know

So just imagine, just imagine, just imagine

Nothing I can see but you when you dance, dance, dance

Feeling good, good, creeping up on you

So just dance, dance, dance, come on

All those things I should do to you

But you dance, dance, dance

And ain't nobody leaving soon, so keep dancing

I can't stop the feeling

So just dance, dance, dance

I can't stop the feeling

So just dance, dance, dance, come on

Ooh, it's something magical

It's in the air, it's in my blood, it's rushing on

Don't need no reason, don't need control

I fly so high, no ceiling, when I'm in my zone

Cause I got that sunshine in my pocket

Got that good soul in my feet

I feel that hot blood in my body when it drops, ooh

I can't take my eyes up off it, moving so phenomenally

Room on lock the way we rock it, so don't stop

And under the lights when everything goes

Nowhere to hide when I'm getting you close

When we move, well, you already know

So just imagine, just imagine, just imagine

Nothing I can see but you when you dance, dance, dance

Feeling good, good, creeping up on you

So just dance, dance, dance, come on

All those things I should do to you

But you dance, dance, dance

And ain't nobody leaving soon, so keep dancing

I can't stop the feeling

So just dance, dance, dance

I can't stop the feeling

So just dance, dance, dance

I can't stop the feeling

So just dance, dance, dance

I can't stop the feeling

So keep dancing, come on

I can't stop the, I can't stop the

I can't stop the, I can't stop the

I can't stop the feeling

Nothing I can see but you when you dance, dance, dance

(I can't stop the feeling)

Feeling good, good, creeping up on you

So just dance, dance, dance, come on

(I can't stop the feeling)

All those things I should do to you

But you dance, dance, dance

(I can't stop the feeling)

And ain't nobody leaving soon, so keep dancing

Everybody sing

(I can't stop the feeling)

Got this feeling in my body

(I can't stop the feeling)

Got this feeling in my body

(I can't stop the feeling)

Wanna see you move your body

(I can't stop the feeling)

Got this feeling in my body

Break it down

Got this feeling in my body

Can't stop the feeling

Got this feeling in my body, come on

x

It seems like every feeling is self-inflicted. Sometimes we feel like we are superior from others and we expect them to see and act based on how we view certain things.... and that's where our frustrations in life usually come from. 

Certain situations in the past few weeks reminded me of two parables from the Bible and the enlightenment is just what I needed.

'I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.' "But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, the sinner!' "I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted."

- Luke 18:9-14

I pray the same for you.

x

You would think that with better internet services and technically less stressful job than the previous ones I could actually update the blog more often, but it has been a busy couple of days, hence, the very late birthday post (I turned a quarter of a century last month! If my name isn't a dead giveaway of when my birthday is yet.)

Not that I am complaining, though. Every day spent miles away from home is a heck of an adventure and life just happened and you just, might as well, live it. We learn to prioritize and value our surroundings specifically the people around us more. We learn to keep personal things personal and we realise that we do not need anybody's validation in everything that we do. We are able to filter, not only our Facebook or Twitter feeds, but the people that we are allowing to take part in our lives. We learn to use the internet more cleverly and responsibly (or did we, really?). In a Wallflower's term, as we grow older, we tend to "participate" as we face day-to-day realities and therefore leaving us barely having time to lurk on our social media accounts.

However, these days my reality includes constantly checking the computer (or hand phone for that matter), hoping to catch someone back home (Philippines) online and maybe talk a bit. It may seem like something petty but after a long day, no matter how great it has been, it can also be quite taxing. You may not notice it and the change may not be drastic but the the idea of being far is emotionally exhausting. My little cousins are growing up before my eyes. Two of them even graduated these past few weeks and I missed it. I even missed my very own birthday party that they held back home. One particular moment is whenever I buy half a loaf of bread for myself and could not even consume it until its expiry date when a full loaf usually lasts half a day with all of my cousins at home. It's the simplest of things, I know. The longing continues but life still has to go on. I am the type to find joy in every little thing that I do, anyway.

As if running on auto-pilot (the good kind because I enjoy every bits of it), my day is also composed of tedious nine to ten hours spent in the office, a 20 to 30-minute dance (X Box), sometimes a quick run, binge watching of random Youtube videos and eating(!!!!). I still read books and write/draft random thoughts but most of the time I could not form the words as I would rather be spending time with people or sleeping. Those few days when I get to find the right drive (like today), I write for myself as it is a great way of release, as it usually is.

It is time to de-stress. To tidy up the already messy mind. To keep spreading positive vibes.

There are those days when you just cannot help but take a look back in your life and things will make you realise that life may be far from perfect but you had lived it to its fullest and that you are blessed beyond belief.

Today is one of those days.

At five, I was just that chubby, flawed girl who would use my wit so the older ones will not bully me in school (because I am fat. Still am haha but yeah). What I lack in looks, I made up in personality. What I cannot accomplish physically, I made up academically even when I am two years younger than my batch.

At 10, I lost a proper family as my parents decided to judicially separate. My young mind (though more matured for my age) could not understand it back then but I did not let it ruin me. I became stronger because of it. It also set things into perspective. I continued on and had my teenage (high school) life with flying colors.

At 15, I am off to the university, with high hopes of honing the potential that I believe I possess. I took up BS Civil Engineering because.... I don't know, I felt that it suited me at that time. Being the shy but overtly social butterfly that I am, college was a heck of a ride. I loved the course. I lived it (still living it). Looking back, I did not only learn the engineering concepts but learned that pride, honor and dignity is more important than earning bucks. This part became vital in my general view of the profession and my work ethics in the coming years.

At 20, I failed the board exam. End of the world? Not. But I have learned that no failure can ever define me for as long as I have my family and friends to back me up and they have been the best support group that one can ever have. They give me reasons to still believe in myself and believed in my capacities, I did.

Friends. Food. Fun. My month-long birthday celebration in pictures.

April x

There have been a lot of black propaganda against me, most recently in the recent months that 
I have withdrawn because of my cancer. 

I have already shown you that I am what I am now. 

I am what I was today, and what I will be tomorrow. 

We are not looking for an ordinary leader, or an ordinary manager or administrator. 

We are looking for the president of the Philippines. 

So, I think that the first qualification should be international stature. 

That would be a great help to Philippine foreign and domestic policy. 
But most importantly, I repeat, there are three qualifications to become a president: 
academic excellence – 
ako may doctorate ako in juridical science from America. Tsaka valedictorian ako sa lahat ng klase ko. Hindi naman pwede na yung mga naupo sa likod yun ang magiging presidente ng pilipinas.
 Pangalawa, professional excellence. 
Binigyan ako ng prestigious Magsaysay Award for Government Service, “for bold and moral leadership in cleaning up a corrupt government agency.” Meron ba silang ganun? 
Third, moral excellence. 
Maliban pa sa dalawang excellences na yon, meron pang moral excellence which is the most important. 

Unfortunately there is no machine that you can attach to a human being so that you can tell whether that person is honest or not. Maaaring bolero lang, maaaring magaan ang bibig, maaaring kung ano anong sinasabi basta kung anong unang dumating sa isapan niya. 

Kaya pag-isipan niyo mabuti itong ginagawa natin. Nagpipili tayo ng ating maging leader sa loob na sunod na anim na taon. Hindi tayo pwede mamili na base lang sa kursunada or dahil uso doon sa mga gang ninyo or sa mga tribes ninyo sa eskwela. 

We are all united in this endeavor to improve and reform the Philippines. 

Akala ng iba palaging ganito na lang tayo? 

Hindi! 

Lalabanan natin itong kurapsyon na naging bunga at sanhi ng ating kahirapan. 

We can fight corruption. 

I have shown it in immigration commission. I have not allowed my words to overcome my deeds. 

At for those who think that I should withdraw because I have once been a cancer patient. 

This is what I'll say, I am now normal. 

I can think. I can act. And I can pray. 

Ngayon, gusto niyo akong mag-urong? Biro mo, ang lakas pati sa radyo, ang sagot ko sa kanila: 

I will never quit, I will never stop, I will never withdraw! 

We all want to change the world for the better.

 But the person who prayed should be emulated. 

He said, “God, preserve this country, and begin with me.”

- Miriam Defensor-Santiago, 2016

*****

I don't usually voice out my opinion on politics as it is a very complicated matter and we would all end up debating over so many issues that go with it. That and the bad connotation that politicians in the Philippines actually have (most of them are really like that, though). But I do look up to a few.

I remember voting for Richard Gordon on his bid for the presidency back in 2010. I was the lone believer, at least in our place. He tallied 1 vote all in all from our humble barangay and it was me. He did not win, apparently but the satisfaction of voting for someone who shares the same principles as you do and of whom capabilities are fit for the role of a leader has made my vote not go into waste. 

Fast forward to 2016, I am rooting for another underdog candidate though she is not really an underdog considering all of her credentials (of which she's leading by a mile). She may always be on the bottom of the surveys (with criticisms that are mostly because she's been ill with the big C and might die without having to finish the six-year term) but eff that all. She still is, in my honest opinion, more suitable for the presidency than any of the other candidates. I also admire her exuberance and wit at any given situation. Most of all, I like the fact that she is not only about the change that her presidency would bring, but she is more into encouraging people to start the change from within themselves. Should she not win in this election, it would not be her loss but our country's. If only more people could see that. 

I am for Miriam. Until victory.

April

Italized opening sentences are the transcript from Sen. Miriam's closing statement at the Luzon leg of the Presidential Debates.

x

Walking out and in the clear

Taking in the orange sunrise

Em and I were having a little catching up session over a video call when she asked me, "Are you happy by choice or are you happy because that is how you feel?" This is regarding the new "shift" not only in my career but life as a whole (I am to elaborate on this part today). Happiness is hard to define these days. But I answered that my happiness has something to do  with my nature and personal views on things. When I am with someone, anyone, anywhere despite the circumstances, my initial tendency is to look for anything that makes me happy and focus on it. Everything seemed bearable after that. The "thing" doesn't have to be something big but the hopeful and optimist in me has always managed to rule out every little bad thing and I focus on that little ray of light. Situations are not perfect but that is how my mind usually worked.

So I never really get to share about the life recently, eh? It might have to do something (no, more like it has something to do) with the biggest shift in my life recently.

I am now based in Singapore.

My social media silence (regarding the decision, at least) is because of the following reasons:

1. It's not like I post about my daily life in the internet, anyway or that my hundreds of Facebook friends would particularly care but I believe these kind of decisions are rather personal. I did try to meet up with a few of my friends to spend time and chill out before I leave the country for good (for now) and of course I had to tell them about it as I look ahead to the years that will be spent away from them: the concerts that I have to miss, the gatherings that I would not be able to participate in the flesh. Pretty hopeful, see. But other than those people, only the family and the closest friends actually knew about the decision.
2. Nothing about our future in Singapore is certain. We came in Singapore with just enough money on our pockets to be spent for at least two months of job hunting. It was tough as Singapore is also on recession (and the oil and gas industry is down). Should we not able to find our luck then at least we won't have to explain ourselves and just go on with the usual life.

With the lovely, supportive friends heading to somewhere.

x