The Big 30: Birthday Realisations

2020: A Year of Blue & Grey

I am excited for the BE album because it has been a while since BTS has released an album more than anything else and this Blue & Grey review (the song that has resonated with me the most) has been sitting in my blog drafts since its release but for some odd reasons I wasn’t able to finish, well, until today — the last day of fugging 2020.

Thinking about it, the song is fitting because it feels like it has been the mood since the lockdown has started in March. 

Who would have thought?

January has started normally with it being the “longest” month. But that’s how it’s always felt after coming from the short Christmas vacation. I remember Taal Volcano erupting (January 12) on my way home and seeing shards of particles but didn’t think of the worse until I saw it in the news. Also, it is the start of wearing N95 masks for protection. The demand then is really high that most stores are out-of-stock. 

I remember waking up in the early hours of January 26th and seeing Kobe Bryant trending on Twitter, only to find out that he’s tragically died on a helicopter crash in California along with his daughter.

I remember pushing through with our well-deserved weekend getaway in Baguio. Situations may have been gloomy and COVID scare is looming then so we had worn masks for extra protection. 

I still get to cover a few musical events and watch live ballgames earlier this year. 

I remember having to go to work on March 16th experiencing the more restricted travel/commute protocol in the MRT. The moment in the office when the lockdown is officially announced is vivid and it certainly made us realise that the situation is worse than expected. I remember how I luckily get to meet up with my friend, experienced a minor mishap in the middle of NLEX on our way home and got into to my aunt’s house and stayed there for a few months, was allowed to work from home and all that.

Never would we have thought that it will be like how it is today.

Ten months later we are still at a lost collectively, but life went on.

 I wrote “Blue & Grey” when I was at my lowest point, when I was actually asking whether I could keep going with my work or not. Even the fun parts of work became a chore, and my whole life felt aimless. “Where do I go from here? I can’t even see the end of the tunnel.” Those kinds of thoughts hit me hard. - Taehyung on writing Blue & Grey

In a span of months, COVID-19 has taken away innocent lives. It has taken away the sources of living for most of our countrymen, too.

The experiences where my other passion is being directed has been taken away from me as I don’t get to cover events and write on the side anymore. We also had to cancel our Korea trip in June. 

On the brighter side, I still have a day job and the family is healthy. And life went on. 

We followed all the safety procedures because in a country where good governance is almost non-existent you got to do what you do to stay safe. You’re all by yourself. 

I gladly spent my birthday on a lockdown and lived on video calls and online streaming/concerts. 

My sister got married this year.  It’s just a simple, intimate family gathering and yet it’s all we could ever hope for.

I was able to see the growth of my cousins’ quarantine doggos for five months. We may have spent a lot on food delivery services and tried every trending snacks (dalgona coffee, ube cheese pandesal, baked sushi and the likes) and bond.

Who would have thought staying at home can also be so eventful? It all depends on everyone’s perspectives (and to some extent, privilege).

Rather than just some stranger telling them to cheer up, I think it’s better to say something like, “You seem depressed lately,” or, “Seems like these days it’s tough for you to perk up.” “Blue & Grey” is the same: “You’re depressed lately? Me too. We’re in the same boat. Wanna talk about how you’re feeling? You wanna feel better, right? I know, but sometimes it feels like you’re being washed away by a whirlpool of stress.” I want the listeners to hear me saying that to them. - Kim Taehyung

Then there’s BTS and all their contents, an unexpected but a welcome company. Hanging out with friends albeit only online has made the “grey” months extra bearable. Every Gaya Sa Pelikula Fridays and the banlaw sessions that follow are a breathe of fresh air. Also, those are reminders that the battle against discrimination and micro aggressions  is really out there.

Even so, there are nights when worries would take over and you’d just cry yourself to sleep. When everything feels uncertain and it gets overwhelming and you’re alone with your thoughts. But that is fine.

Sometimes you don’t need people to reassure you that things are going to be okay. Sometimes you just need them to be there with you as they empathize in silence. And there is nothing wrong with that, too.

It is okay to not feel okay, to “space out” and live in your darkest. Soon it will get better. Soon, like Taehyung, there will be “good nights” instead of “I passed out because I am exhausted.” 

It is okay to long to be happier because we certainly deserve it. Sometimes, we just need to look harder. Other times, we have to create it for ourselves.

Where is my angel?

The end of the day

Someone come and save me, please

A weary sigh of a tiring day

I don't know where it went wrong

Since my youth, I've had a blue question mark in my head

Maybе that's why I've been living so fiercely

But whеn I look back, I'm all by myself

How am I so regretful?

Or is it just me, one that loneliness gave birth to

I still don't know, the ferocious blue

I hope I don't erode away, I'll find the exit

I just wanna be happier

To melt the cold me

Oh, this ground feels so heavier

I am singing by myself 

I felt when I walked on the cold winter streets

The sound of my fast heartbeat breathing

I still feel it

Don't say it's okay

'Cause it's not okay

Please don't leave me alone, it hurts too much

On the road I always walk

There is a light that always shines

But today, the scene feels unfamiliar

Is it dull or is it broken?

This lump of metal feels heavy

A grey rhino is approaching

I'm just standing there without focus

I don't feel like myself at this moment

I'm just not scared

I don't believe in a God called conviction

Words like color make me cringe

A vast grey area is way more comfortable

Hundreds of millions of grey facial expressions here

When it rains, it's my world

I dance over this city

On a clear day, bring some fog

On rainy days, we're always together

A toast to all the dust here

I just wanna be happier

Please feel the warmth of my hands

They're not warm, so I need you more

Oh, this ground feels so heavier

I am singing by myself

In the distant future, when I smile

I'll tell you I did

After secretly sending my words up into the air

Now I fall asleep at dawn, good night

***

The government’s response to the pandemic situation is still the worst. There’s still EJKs, police brutality and misogyny everywhere. Blatant corruption that is being deemed as “justified “. Sometimes it feels like we only have ourselves.

But cheers, 2020! Despite everything, you will be remembered as the year of strength, delayed plans, blessings and redirection. Grateful for the times that we’re able to gather the strength to proceed and to live. There’s The guidance from up above that’s keeping us going.

2021, you are such a promise. I look forward to the better days ahead, and to the blessings in different forms that we are bound to receive. Also, to the opportunities to become a better me.

April x

2020: The year in pictures